Monday, November 12, 2012

Yearning for a baby, is like missing someone you love 
and have never met.
-LaShaundra Seale-

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I Will Praise You In This Storm- A journey through infertility

The disappointments of trying

I am literally almost in tears as I write this as my fears for this month being a bust are pretty much confirmed, I am on CD18 and still have not gotten a positive OPK. I was so sure that CD12 would be the day, I had pretty intense cramping with a headache and sore boobs and was ready to start preparing for a little miracle but CD12 passed with no ovulation and so did CD13, CD14, CD15, and on and on. I have still been prepping for ovulation hoping it will happen but as I near the time I should be starting my menses I know the chance of ovulation grows slimmer. I really thought clomid would be it for us, I would take the pills for 5 days and my dreams of mothering another child would come true. We are only doing one cycle of clomid as my insurance will not pay a penny for any sort of fertility treatments and we feel it is not in our best interest to rack up medical bills while trying to add another member to our family. So we did our one clomid cycle and I am pretty sure it did nothing for us, I had very few symptoms other than some cramping and lethargy in the beginning and then all the symptoms stopped as I am pretty sure it did not cause me to ovulate. I have still been having some cramping and burning in my ovaries but I feel as though my body keeps gearing up to ovulate and then failing to perform. I am emotional, mentally exhausted from hoping and trying to no avail, and feeling a bit hopeless in our quest. It is heartbreaking to want a baby so bad, to see people whom do not want another child and yet conceive so easily, to see people abort their babies, and to watch as countless others conceive the first time they try and yet you for some reason cannot conceive a child no matter how hard you try. My heart aches to have life grow inside me, to watch my beautiful belly expand, to feel the movements of the precious child my body houses, and to hold in my hands life's greatest blessing; to smell the scent of my newborn baby, touch their delicate ever so soft skin, rock them to sleep treasuring every moment, and knowing that God blessed me with the gift of raising this precious being. For the moment I must remember God has placed this obstacle in my life for a reason, a reason I cannot figure out but one that must have purpose. Maybe I am to help other mothers whom have a hard time conceiving, maybe he is waiting for  that one precious child to plant in my uterus, or maybe I am not meant to mother another child. It breaks my heart to write that but I will continue to pray for God's will, that we will guide me in his plan for his family and give me peace in wherever his path may lead us. I am so blessed to have such a supportive wonderful husband and two amazing boys and if I am not meant to have another child I will have to come to terms with it. I am not at the point where I feel we are to quit trying, so I will continue to try for a blessing a miracle until God lays it on my heart otherwise. I just ask for prayer for my family and understanding of why we are going through this and patience to wait on God's perfect timing.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Day 3 and Exhausted

So I am on day three of taking my clomid pills and feeling absolutely exhausted, I literally have no energy and simply want to sleep all day long. Now I cannot say 100% that this is from the clomid because the flu bug has hit my family full force but I didn't start feeling sick until this morning so my guess would be clomid. The lethargy was the very first symptom I noticed on the clomid and it started almost immediately, I literally feel like a zombie walking around in a daze. If anyone has ever taken hydrocodone after having a baby it feels similar to the effects of that except with a nagging fuzziness in your head like a headache wants to come on but doesn't. Now I am not complaining, this is a small side effect in the scheme of things and a small one at that but it really is hard to be productive when you feel like your body has been placed in a coma. I did google lethargy as a symptom of clomid and many women have reported feeling this while on the therapies so be aware of that if you are contemplating taking it. The only other symptoms I have noticed is a slight aching in my ovaries and and lower back. The lower back pain could be contributed to the new ab workout I am doing but I am wondering if it's from the clomid because I haven't worked out in 2 days. I count these symptoms as a blessing though because they are so minute and every time I feel the twinge in my ovary I know it's busy making an egg and that is the goal right.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Day one of Clomid and feeling great!

I wanted to share that I took my first comid pill, 50mg last night at 10 pm. I took it late at night as I have read if you take it before bed most of the symptoms will occur while you sleep thus leaving you with less negative side effects. I am very worried about the migraines clomid can cause as I am already prone to them so wanted to do everything I could to prevent them. Anyway I took the pill and was up for about another 2 hours doing school work and the only symptom I noticed was some cramping that started occurring almost right away. It is sort of a dull aching but nothing bad and if that is all I have to deal with I will take it. This morning I did wake up feeling a bit groggy and my head feels slightly hazy, but fingers crossed no migraine yet. I am also worried about the emotional frenzy clomid can cause, when you are already dealing with the stress of not being able to conceive a baby you really do not need to add anymore crazy emotions to the mix. My husband said he was going to move out while I'm on it, LOL. But so far I feel fine, no moodiness or any other weird feelings I basically just feel optimistic and excited. So that is it, first pill down 4 more to go and in 9 days hopefully I will have ovulated the precious egg that will become my sweet little girl or boy or maybe more. I feel so hopeful that this month is the month and cannot wait until the day I can announce our new pregnancy, until then I will keep you updated on the clomid process.

Friday, October 19, 2012

I Would Die For That: Beautiful Video

I am so excited today, I just had to write a post and share. To understand my excitement you have to understand the frustration that has brought my husband and I to this point and the optimism I feel to finally have a diagnosis and a chance at ovulation. I have always known there was something wrong with me in regards to my fertility, I have friends who can get pregnant the first month they try every time or the stories of teenagers who have sex one time and get pregnant with twins and the Hollywood starlet who wasn't trying and mistakenly gets pregnant out of wedlock. In a normal couple it usually only takes 2-4 months so my 7 months to 1 1/2 years when I am supposed to be at the peak of my fertility is a bit absurd. I have always told myself to have Patience and it will happen, just not in to two month time frame it takes most couples. In order to conceive around the time we want we have to start trying a year or two in advance as we have in trying for the 3rd, 20 months to be exact. The problem is not that I cannot conceive and carry a baby, we have proven that my body can do that beautifully the problem is that I do not ovulate on my own and without ovulation you cannot conceive no matter what you do. So the diagnosis of PCOS and the chance at ovulation with Clomid is such a blessing right now. Before I knew that no matter what I did I would get a BFN every month because I knew I did not ovulate, but now that dread is turned into hope and I am so incredibly excited to announce that I have finally reached CD1. This may not mean allot to some people but it means a fresh start to me, a new cycle and a new chance at conceiving. I have never been so excited to get a visit from my dear little lady but this month I am over the moon, as I am writing this I am actually on CD2 and tomorrow get to start my clomid. I am so hopeful that this month will be the month and yesterday was actually the start of a little bean growing in my stomach. I look forward to the changes in my body, the growing belly, and the kicks and flutters that come with a BFP and simply cannot wait. I truly feel that God has placed this desire to have a daughter in my heart for reason, I have prayed and prayed if it is not his will he will take the desire away but it has only gotten stronger and so I will continue to pray that this month will be the month and in less than a year I will be holding my sweet baby in my arms.